Soooo yeah. Since the last post, I HAVE LEARNED MY LESSON! something bad DID happen and i DID feel it! who'dathunk. WHO'D A THUNK. ok enough yelling.
I'm back to feeling normal now but it took about a week after a bad thing that happened and, when it happened, felt like the world caving in. That was a little scary. But good! These drugs are not meant to protect me from experiencing life, and life has ups and downs. They're meant to protect me from the constant lows that my brain chemicals deemed me deserving of, those bastards. So even though at the time i was all, wtf mate, i realize now that it was good. It was good that i could still feel bad. After reading my last post, i really reaize that...and, relatedly, i will be able to really feel good when something good happens. See how it works? It's all, magic n shit. Anyhoo. I feel the need to constantly update you, theoretical reader, of which there are 4, whenever something big changes (but no seriously--it's whenever i'm a tiny bit drunk with nothing else to do). One day when this bitch blows up it'll be known as the drunk depression blog. Yeah! OK enough of that.
So what if bad things happen. So what if they feel real bad. I'm going to feel better eventually--soon--and it's because i've done the right things with myself these past few months. I hope that one day kids'll read this blog who feel or have felt the same as me, and all i can say is, getting help is so fucking good. It sucks to talk about yourself, it sucks to take medicine every day, it sucks to feel stunted and fucked up and dulled and crazy, but it's better than one gigantic looming other option that pops up now and then. Life is so fucking good. Fix it. Get it fixed somewhere.
11.5.11
Uncomfortably numb?
Long time no write!
I still really want to keep this thing going, despite the fact that I still don't think i've found the right tone for it and still have only shared it with like 5 people. Maybe it's just a start for something healthier and more worthwhile i could do with my writing later on, but for now this is all i have, and i can't help thinking it's sort of important.
So, new developments. Got the reporter job. Hooray! Going to try to negotiate a bigger raise, which will in itself be a big step for me. So, fingers crossed.
Feeling pretty good overall -- stable. Very stable. Almost too stable. No, for real. I'm noting the lack of highs and lows...mostly the lack of lows, and it sounds silly, but that is what's really freaking me out. Sure, i don't have the extreme highs anymore, and that's weird, but it's mostly a good weird -- those highs were terrifying. In these latter days of stability i'm really feeling how there's no bottoming out, which i realize was the goal, but the way i'm feeling it is so strange. It's a numbness. I understand that that's to be expected. It's the drugs. Just the drugs. But to find something that was such a part of you just disappearing before your eyes is the strangest. I can't feel bad. I want to feel bad about not being able to feel really bad or good, but i can't. I don't want to complain about this at all -- this is what i wanted, in some way.
In other ways, i'm a little scared (or i would be, if i could?). When bad things happen, i don't really feel it. When good things happen, will i be able to really feel it? Am i feeling not lonely because i'm not, or because this medication has stopped me from experiencing the actual situation? I've honestly stopped caring about my loneliness...i'm not sure if that's right. It's a bored, lazy, lackadaisical, sleepy feeling. It feels good in lots of ways. That's what worries me.
It's sort of like the feeling of being in the warmth of the lodge after a cold day of snowboarding. Mmm.
I still really want to keep this thing going, despite the fact that I still don't think i've found the right tone for it and still have only shared it with like 5 people. Maybe it's just a start for something healthier and more worthwhile i could do with my writing later on, but for now this is all i have, and i can't help thinking it's sort of important.
So, new developments. Got the reporter job. Hooray! Going to try to negotiate a bigger raise, which will in itself be a big step for me. So, fingers crossed.
Feeling pretty good overall -- stable. Very stable. Almost too stable. No, for real. I'm noting the lack of highs and lows...mostly the lack of lows, and it sounds silly, but that is what's really freaking me out. Sure, i don't have the extreme highs anymore, and that's weird, but it's mostly a good weird -- those highs were terrifying. In these latter days of stability i'm really feeling how there's no bottoming out, which i realize was the goal, but the way i'm feeling it is so strange. It's a numbness. I understand that that's to be expected. It's the drugs. Just the drugs. But to find something that was such a part of you just disappearing before your eyes is the strangest. I can't feel bad. I want to feel bad about not being able to feel really bad or good, but i can't. I don't want to complain about this at all -- this is what i wanted, in some way.
In other ways, i'm a little scared (or i would be, if i could?). When bad things happen, i don't really feel it. When good things happen, will i be able to really feel it? Am i feeling not lonely because i'm not, or because this medication has stopped me from experiencing the actual situation? I've honestly stopped caring about my loneliness...i'm not sure if that's right. It's a bored, lazy, lackadaisical, sleepy feeling. It feels good in lots of ways. That's what worries me.
It's sort of like the feeling of being in the warmth of the lodge after a cold day of snowboarding. Mmm.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)