Uncomfortably numb?

Long time no write!

I still really want to keep this thing going, despite the fact that I still don't think i've found the right tone for it and still have only shared it with like 5 people. Maybe it's just a start for something healthier and more worthwhile i could do with my writing later on, but for now this is all i have, and i can't help thinking it's sort of important.

So, new developments. Got the reporter job. Hooray! Going to try to negotiate a bigger raise, which will in itself be a big step for me. So, fingers crossed.

Feeling pretty good overall -- stable. Very stable. Almost too stable. No, for real. I'm noting the lack of highs and lows...mostly the lack of lows, and it sounds silly, but that is what's really freaking me out. Sure, i don't have the extreme highs anymore, and that's weird, but it's mostly a good weird -- those highs were terrifying. In these latter days of stability i'm really feeling how there's no bottoming out, which i realize was the goal, but the way i'm feeling it is so strange. It's a numbness. I understand that that's to be expected. It's the drugs. Just the drugs. But to find something that was such a part of you just disappearing before your eyes is the strangest. I can't feel bad. I want to feel bad about not being able to feel really bad or good, but i can't. I don't want to complain about this at all -- this is what i wanted, in some way.

In other ways, i'm a little scared (or i would be, if i could?). When bad things happen, i don't really feel it. When good things happen, will i be able to really feel it? Am i feeling not lonely because i'm not, or because this medication has stopped me from experiencing the actual situation? I've honestly stopped caring about my loneliness...i'm not sure if that's right. It's a bored, lazy, lackadaisical, sleepy feeling. It feels good in lots of ways. That's what worries me.

It's sort of like the feeling of being in the warmth of the lodge after a cold day of snowboarding. Mmm.