Still recovering from today's anxiety attack. Not tired. What to do? Vance and i are sitting here on computers after watching things and having Agricola Tuesday and everything. But i'm honestly terrified to go downstairs to try to fall asleep. I am supposed to get up early tomorrow to do some things and i still want to do that...i just hope that, like today, i'll just be able to deprive myself of sleep and get the good stuff done for the sake of changin mah ways.
Today on a walk i made a comment about pizza and game night, and Richard said, "Your life is very regimented," which is true, and which represents a social life i think he sort of envies, i.e., easily getting along with people and having some social necessity taking up almost every day. JJ had actually said the same thing to me earlier, and i noticed while trying to date, before i gave that up for Lent, that my daily life is pretty much almost entirely accounted for. I've only got Sunday and Thursday nights really free, at this point. And I know i've got a lot of friends, and more truly good friends than most people ever get. I was never the popular girl, in my life, and i don't think that's so now either...i'm just super, SUPER lucky. i inherited a great big bunch of wonderful, wonderful friends from vance and ryan, and then i went out and got one job wherein i found the best group of co-workers who could ever enjoy my crazy little self, and then i stole all my cousin's wonderful Brooklyn friends, and that was the end of the formula. I'm so lucky.
I still sometimes feel so lonely, though. Maybe i'm just spoiled. But i think, always, that it's because there's something wrong with me, that i can't just be happy with the amazing gifts i have in my friends, that i can't connect on a normal level with others and therefore think i need so much more, or am too fucked up to get enough out of human interaction or can't do it right so that i ultimately feel completely alone...i think that because of this i am a bad person and deserve to feel so bad.
I know that i'm working through my problems and am getting help and am on meds and am doing this. And i'm talking about everything, finally. But what if it's just pointless? I don't really feel better yet, and what if i never do? Somedays i feel good, and then the next day i want to die. Can i expect one person to fix me? Why do i have to be fixed?? Why can't i just be happy too, and am i just imagining that i'm not happy, somehow? PANIC ATTACK. This is the No. 1 (in my least favorite of all AP styles) thing that goes through my head in those moments when i'm crying into a pillow and can't breathe (in reading past blog posts, i've realized how dramatic the way i talk about the crying sounds...but, man...): "WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME." Why am i like this, and is it my fault?? It must be, right?
I don't see why it's fair, is all.
I am the luckiest, most blessed-by-friends, most loved person to ever hate her life. What a fucking asshat. I'm trying so hard to find out why i'm like this, and what i can do to stop it. I want to be happy and stop whining. I'm sorry to everyone i know. I want to be happy, for me, and for you. I'm so, so tired of it too. I didn't mean for any of that to rhyme.
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