Oh, hey. Here i am in a panic attack; thought i'd write.
It's past seven in the morning and i'm awake! !!!!! I have a tiny dog on my legs and he's sleeping, and i was just sleeping for the first time in the night a few hours ago. I should really be asleep. but i can't be.
I woke up to the thoughts: we need a new roommate! i did something stupid the other night and now i'm embarrassed and feeling even more rejected by men! something just ok happened last night and now i'm distracted and thinking too much about it and giving it too much credit! i'm so embarrassed all the time by who i am! i'm broken and wrong! oh my.
I can't figure out whether this is good or bad--should i wake up and do things? make a craigslist ad? read my stupid, horrible book? write in my blog? (whoa, META.) maybe i'll go running later! maybe i'll just stay up and further my goal of becoming a morning person. Maybe i'll fall back asleep and later bemoan these precious hours of lost sleep. Is this the too-early start of a horrible day? I can't help panicking about the rest of the day, and how tired i'll be and what a disaster emotionally. oh, what have i done.
Lately i've been feeling...ok. ? Have been back on the Cymbalta, and Dr. Packer put me on Abilify as well, though that just ran out. Tomorrow we meet again. Today I shall call and find a therapist. GOAL.
The way i've been feeling lately tells me absolutely that i need the therapy. I can't wait! I need to talk to someone qualified about this shit. The meds are doing all they can for me, and i thank them. Meds, i appreciate and celebrate you. But i really need to figure out my feelings, and i need to talk about them with someone who's trained to help me understand why i feel the way i do, why i keep making the same mistakes over and over again. I can't underestimate the importance of my recent dating issues, and that's something that's somehow only become clear to me recently--a fact, in itself, worthy of therapy, i'm sure.
I also need to learn how to manage my energy...in this new era of occasional good moods--which, i am hopeful to believe, are slowly coming more often--i'm sort of overly excited and happy sometimes (though it's very different from the unmedicated, painful, terrifying joy i've felt so often before, thank goodness), and i don't know what to do with that energy, and i've been channeling it to not the best places so far. I'm trying, but it's hard. Everything is hard. Is everything hard for everyone? Probably.
Hey, the early morning looks sort of pretty, today.
I'm having a panic attack. I wish someone could help me. Ah.
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